them.

"Are you in love with him?" she spoke, her shaky voice filling up the silence.

     The hour was late, and if she looked out her window, she could see the big pale moon casting large shadows onto her overgrown lawn. She had always loved the moon, and it's contrast to the dark sky was nothing less than beautiful, but on nights like tonight, it looked more haunting then anything.

 The silence on the phone made the darkness grow heavy, she felt it's dark tendrils prodding, and pressing at her sides, on her chest. Her breath hitched, and on the other line, her friend finally spoke up.

"Love is a pretty big word," they spoke, slowly, as if answering it for themselves at the same time, "but...yeah. I think I might actually be in love this time."

 she could hear the smile in their voice, and she felt tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. Of course they love him. she stayed silent, listening to them talk about the boy they were supposedly in love with.

 the darkness felt heavier, and she knew it was taking advantage of her vulnerable state. she felt the edges creep up her body, and into her mouth. Bathing her in all the feelings she had been repressing. -it clawed its way down her throat, and her breaths became heavy. she held the phone away so they couldn't hear how ragged her breaths were.

 it wasn't their fault she was weak- that she couldn't handle them loving someone else. it was different watching them date, and date, and date when her only worry was them hurting their partner- for they simply didn't care. but this was different they admitted to actually being in love.

  love was always important to them, something they only ever said if they meant it; they themselves had only just begun to exchange such high regards of their fondness to each other.

  that is what made her so susceptible to the darkness tonight, she could feel the darkness in her tummy now, the growing ache forcing her to sit up.

"Babe, are you okay?" their voice spoke up, probably taking note of her sudden lack of responses. she could hear the worry.

 the petname caused her fingers to shake, the darkness was crushing her. she felt it, spread throughout her body, not a single inch spared from the brutal attack.

 her skin prickled, and she shut her eyes, stopping the flooding waters from pouring out of her eyes, for she had nearly filled up the entire room.

  "Yes, of course I'm fine. I like listening to you talk," she sniffed quietly, so they wouldn't hear. "Tell me what you love about her, you sound so fond."

 and they did, the fondness of their voice is what killed her the most. she recognized it because she sounded the same way when she spoke of them.

  Their voice sounded warm, as they talked about the boy they loved, and that was all it took for the darkness to finish her off. It wrapped around her heart and it was pushing, and shoving, and she felt like she was dying, she couldn't breath, and all that could be done was sob silently- because she couldn't speak anymore.

   they didn't notice, however, and she was glad. she didn't want them to know how absolutely wrecked she felt.

  "I don't even know how to explain it, love," they say, voice softer. It was edging on a whisper, and she knew what was coming. "I didn't think I would be capable of ever feeling this way about someone. Have- have you ever loved someone?"

Her eyes locked on the moon, and it felt as if it were mocking her.

  "Yeah," she says softly, her voice sounding nearly as wrecked as she felt. She didn't elaborate. She couldn't, not when who she loved was on the line with her.

  "Then you know how I feel, I don't really have to describe it?"

She did know.

And she hated that she knew.

She felt tingly all over- the overall brunt of the attack had left her, she felt the tendrils seep out of her body, and suddenly she was drained. The flood gates were dry, and she could barely lift her arm.
She couldn't handle it anymore. She needed to get off the phone so she sleep and pretend that nothing existed except her and the warmth of her blanket.

She didn't answer them, "I've got to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow," and hit end call.
she wanted someone to hold her, but the only arms she wanted was theirs.


--------------------

Note, I wrote this several years ago and I left it mostly unedited (save for some misspelled words). I did not change the capitalization errors because when I wrote it, I did intentionally. I don't know why, but maybe it was for better.

Either way, I hope you enjoyed.

later.

Consistence.

   Consistence.

    That word holds a lot of power to me, in complete honesty with you guys. Consistency is something that I am almost thinking about constantly. It is how I judge myself, my friends and my life in general.

   I am consistently tired, consistently sad, consistently angry or down. I learned not to take my feelings moment by moment and try to change the consistency of them, I am not sure if it really works but I don't want to change my approach because I like consistency. I like when things stay the same, when everything that happens I know is coming and nothing is too out of the ordinary in compared to my every day life.  

 When it comes to my friends it something more like who is consistently in my life, around me and with me. I am bad at friendships, because I am a jealous friend and I tend to search more for best friends than just casual ones, which makes things difficult because sometimes people don't want the big friendships. On a positive note, if we are friends you know I am all in and you should have zero doubts about that. I'm working on becoming less jealous and more mentally able to keep casual friends.

   I also pay attention to consistence in my years, days and months. I dub years bad, and the past few have claimed that title. I will say, that 2018 has been a year that has not been completely terrible. It has broken consistence and has completely terrified me in ways that I can't really explain, but aside from all of that I feel a little happier. I would like to say It is because I have made myself go outside more, I've tried to focus more on self-care and on things that definitely interested me. Honestly though, I feel like while that is a large part of it, I do feel like it has a lot to do with the people in my life currently. I feel like the people I have right now have my back, care about me genuinely, and I feel closer to my family.

  I feel like one key life, mine at least, is making sure that I try consistently, it does not have to be all the time, but a consistent effort is something that really helps.

  later.