Welcomed Home

   I moved out of my house and into my college dorm yesterday. My dorm is cozy, and honestly not completely horrible. I've got it decorated pretty nicely and the wifi thus far has no complaints. One thing I was super worried about was my roommate, and I did not get to meet her until yesterday evening.

  Her name is Becca and she is from Brazil. She got tuition scholarships, and this is her second time in the US. She is really kind, and brought me some chocolate from her home. I think that we could be pretty good friends, and I do not really see any problems that may arise.

   So really, almost all of my stresses were sated tomorrow because I am completely registered, have my student ID, fitbit, parking pass as well as all of my books. Now, all we have left really is classes and those start on Thursday.

 One thing I have picked up on is that I am not going to be able to work much at all. I have classes during the mornings and on several nights there are mandatory meetings. How do some people manage to work a lot while in college? I want to enjoy myself and make friends and do things but it seems like I'll have classes, and then work and that's about it. If only this place was not so expensive.

  Here is to a good year of growth and learning,

   later.

a fat L

   Deciding to take a degree in writing was something I did not think I would ever do. I would consider myself pretty realistic as a person, and honestly writing is a horrible degree/ career choice just because it is hard to make a living as an author, (which of course, is what I want to do,).

  Mostly, I am hoping that with this as my starting point I will discover what I've been called to do, because genuinely, I do not have a real goal to strive for. A dream of mine is to publish a book, obviously, but with a lack of creative juice these past several years and a lack of motivation to mostly anything does not add up well.

But, I've always been bad at math so we will see.

  Here is to these next few years opening doors and showing me opportunities I did not even know existed.

them.

"Are you in love with him?" she spoke, her shaky voice filling up the silence.

     The hour was late, and if she looked out her window, she could see the big pale moon casting large shadows onto her overgrown lawn. She had always loved the moon, and it's contrast to the dark sky was nothing less than beautiful, but on nights like tonight, it looked more haunting then anything.

 The silence on the phone made the darkness grow heavy, she felt it's dark tendrils prodding, and pressing at her sides, on her chest. Her breath hitched, and on the other line, her friend finally spoke up.

"Love is a pretty big word," they spoke, slowly, as if answering it for themselves at the same time, "but...yeah. I think I might actually be in love this time."

 she could hear the smile in their voice, and she felt tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. Of course they love him. she stayed silent, listening to them talk about the boy they were supposedly in love with.

 the darkness felt heavier, and she knew it was taking advantage of her vulnerable state. she felt the edges creep up her body, and into her mouth. Bathing her in all the feelings she had been repressing. -it clawed its way down her throat, and her breaths became heavy. she held the phone away so they couldn't hear how ragged her breaths were.

 it wasn't their fault she was weak- that she couldn't handle them loving someone else. it was different watching them date, and date, and date when her only worry was them hurting their partner- for they simply didn't care. but this was different they admitted to actually being in love.

  love was always important to them, something they only ever said if they meant it; they themselves had only just begun to exchange such high regards of their fondness to each other.

  that is what made her so susceptible to the darkness tonight, she could feel the darkness in her tummy now, the growing ache forcing her to sit up.

"Babe, are you okay?" their voice spoke up, probably taking note of her sudden lack of responses. she could hear the worry.

 the petname caused her fingers to shake, the darkness was crushing her. she felt it, spread throughout her body, not a single inch spared from the brutal attack.

 her skin prickled, and she shut her eyes, stopping the flooding waters from pouring out of her eyes, for she had nearly filled up the entire room.

  "Yes, of course I'm fine. I like listening to you talk," she sniffed quietly, so they wouldn't hear. "Tell me what you love about her, you sound so fond."

 and they did, the fondness of their voice is what killed her the most. she recognized it because she sounded the same way when she spoke of them.

  Their voice sounded warm, as they talked about the boy they loved, and that was all it took for the darkness to finish her off. It wrapped around her heart and it was pushing, and shoving, and she felt like she was dying, she couldn't breath, and all that could be done was sob silently- because she couldn't speak anymore.

   they didn't notice, however, and she was glad. she didn't want them to know how absolutely wrecked she felt.

  "I don't even know how to explain it, love," they say, voice softer. It was edging on a whisper, and she knew what was coming. "I didn't think I would be capable of ever feeling this way about someone. Have- have you ever loved someone?"

Her eyes locked on the moon, and it felt as if it were mocking her.

  "Yeah," she says softly, her voice sounding nearly as wrecked as she felt. She didn't elaborate. She couldn't, not when who she loved was on the line with her.

  "Then you know how I feel, I don't really have to describe it?"

She did know.

And she hated that she knew.

She felt tingly all over- the overall brunt of the attack had left her, she felt the tendrils seep out of her body, and suddenly she was drained. The flood gates were dry, and she could barely lift her arm.
She couldn't handle it anymore. She needed to get off the phone so she sleep and pretend that nothing existed except her and the warmth of her blanket.

She didn't answer them, "I've got to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow," and hit end call.
she wanted someone to hold her, but the only arms she wanted was theirs.


--------------------

Note, I wrote this several years ago and I left it mostly unedited (save for some misspelled words). I did not change the capitalization errors because when I wrote it, I did intentionally. I don't know why, but maybe it was for better.

Either way, I hope you enjoyed.

later.

Consistence.

   Consistence.

    That word holds a lot of power to me, in complete honesty with you guys. Consistency is something that I am almost thinking about constantly. It is how I judge myself, my friends and my life in general.

   I am consistently tired, consistently sad, consistently angry or down. I learned not to take my feelings moment by moment and try to change the consistency of them, I am not sure if it really works but I don't want to change my approach because I like consistency. I like when things stay the same, when everything that happens I know is coming and nothing is too out of the ordinary in compared to my every day life.  

 When it comes to my friends it something more like who is consistently in my life, around me and with me. I am bad at friendships, because I am a jealous friend and I tend to search more for best friends than just casual ones, which makes things difficult because sometimes people don't want the big friendships. On a positive note, if we are friends you know I am all in and you should have zero doubts about that. I'm working on becoming less jealous and more mentally able to keep casual friends.

   I also pay attention to consistence in my years, days and months. I dub years bad, and the past few have claimed that title. I will say, that 2018 has been a year that has not been completely terrible. It has broken consistence and has completely terrified me in ways that I can't really explain, but aside from all of that I feel a little happier. I would like to say It is because I have made myself go outside more, I've tried to focus more on self-care and on things that definitely interested me. Honestly though, I feel like while that is a large part of it, I do feel like it has a lot to do with the people in my life currently. I feel like the people I have right now have my back, care about me genuinely, and I feel closer to my family.

  I feel like one key life, mine at least, is making sure that I try consistently, it does not have to be all the time, but a consistent effort is something that really helps.

  later.

Happiness

   Everyone strives to be happy. I think, though, that everyone strives to be happy all the time- and that is just not possible. The goal should be happy more than any other negative feeling. In my mind, when you grew up the negative feelings would slowly disappear until happy was something you felt more often than not. 

 

 It just kind of was a shock to me when I realized I don't think I know anyone who is happy more than any other feeling. Every adult I know is often more stressed, or depressed than happy. 

   It makes me wonder if the true happiness everyone strives for just doesn't exist and we all just cling to the fleeting moments of happiness we do get. Happiness can give you an on top of the world feeling, but can we really feel that all the time? If you think we can, tell me who you know that is happy more than anything else. 

  Change my mind, tell me I'm wrong, tell me someone other than children have the possibility of being happy all the time. 

  I don't mean this in a, 'I've given up' kind of way. This realization also brought the one of, no one is happy all of the time. That one is obvious, but it took years for it actually to sink in and for me to understand it. It gives me less of a reason to be upset at myself for not being happy, and one that understands that mood fluctuates and It is okay to feel negative things sometimes. Of course, I am no where near happy most of the time, honestly, barely any of the time. But, I am trying to get there and that is about all I can do. 

Later.

No more excuses.

    Developing a need or want to write for me, for the past several years has been one of the most difficult things. As a younger kid, I was writing nearly constantly. Whether it be fanfiction, or something I made up completely on my own. Somewhere along the way, though, I lost my desire and love of writing. 

   Lately, though, I have found a fleeting feel of that want I cling to it desperately. I have a hard time forcing myself to do things that are not easy. Writing, for the most part, is easy, in the sense that I can do it if I really put myself at it. The biggest trouble is finding the motivation to look at my computer screen for more than ten minutes at a time to actually do it. 

    So, this blog is my way of telling myself that it is time to start, Its time to stop wasting time and actually try and pursue the future I want. This blog may be full of simple retellings of my day, but I feel like even writing a little bit is a victory, considering the lack of writing I have done for me over the past years.

    Yesterday I was laying in my bed, near four in the morning watching this Netflix Original called "Set It Up" and one of the protagonists said something that kind of just made everything shift. She said, 'If you are going to be a writer, you have got to stop making excuses not to write'. That really hit home for me, as I've been doing just that for months on months. It was just strange that I heard that just as soon as I decided to take writing a lot more seriously. 

So, here I am saying that I am done making excuses, and I am ready to become an author. 

Later. 

   

Introduction

Hello everyone, or perhaps even no one. 

    This is going to be an explanation of what exactly this blog is going to be. For the most part, it is going to be a place where I can express myself creatively and show it to the world. It will be a place where I share my thoughts on writing, my own writing process and how my journey is going. 

   I do not know how long this journey will be, and I can only dream that it will have the destination I want, but hopefully we will all enjoy the drive and learn something. 

    I have several Ideas in my head, and I created this blog to help me sift through them, flesh them out, and hopefully begin writing full stories for people to enjoy. 

   My writing is a mess and a half, but lets learn together how to make it great.